In the Circle with Girls

Today I had the opportunity to attend a Girls Circle training with the Girls Circle co-founder, Giovanna Taormina. I first heard about Girls Circle through my work as an editor with New Moon magazine about four years ago, and I remember thinking, "Wow! What a great thing for girls!"

Being at the training reaffirmed that for me. Not only did I get to meet dozens of women (and one man!) working with girls in many different capacities, but I had the opportunity to be reminded of why working with girls in a different way is so crucial.

At New Moon, we work under a principle called "Share the Power," in which girls and adults make decisions together about the content of New Moon Girls magazine and our upcoming online experiences. Part of "Share the Power" involves creating a safe space where girls feel comfortable speaking up and disagreeing with one another -- otherwise, we'd never get to what girls really wanted and needed from New Moon. The Girls Circle philosophy also talks about sharing the power; in Girls Circles, the power is about girls helping one another to make good decisions about their lives. Girls Circles can happen in many different settings, such as schools, community programs, after-school programs, churches, and juvenile justice systems, to name a few.

Girls Circles are built around the understanding -- finally becoming mainstream -- that girls are not the same as boys, nor are they the same as adults. The Girls Circle model is rooted in the facts about how girls' brains and development work, so that girls can come together in a model that's designed for them. It's no wonder girls love coming to the circles, and no wonder that they raise girls' self-esteem (and lead them to making better choices).

There was so much wisdom at today's training that I could fill 10 blog posts. Some of the ideas that struck me the most were that

• Girls' (and women's) psychological well-being is closely tied to their relationships. This means that girls and women in unhealthy relationships are more likely to abuse substances, have a low opinion of themselves, and struggle with depression. On an instinctual level, this makes sense. But now we have the science to prove it: when it comes to girls, relationships matter.
  
• Similarly, the primary goal of the female brain is to form community; talking activates female's pleasure centers in the brain, but rejection activates the stress centers.
  

This is the foundation for the work that Girls Circle does with girls. The circle creates trust among the girls participating by

• laying down groundrules that all agree upon
  
• letting everyone have their turn to talk (a "talking stick" or other talking object helps with this)
  
• turning things "back over to the group" as much as possible, rather than having an adult step in and "fix" any issue a girl brings up
  
• committing to confidentiality, except in cases of mandatory reporting.

Once that trust has been established in a circle, the female brain is happy because it has a safe, healthy relationship to depend upon. This gives a girls a jumping off point to take the risk of being their authentic selves in the world, because they've seen a place where being authentic didn't lead to rejection. Wow, powerful stuff.

And the best part of all? Anyone can start a Girls Circle, anywhere. Girls circle or not, my hope is that all girls would find a place that felt that safe.

You Never Know What the Mail Will Bring

Talk about a wonderful way to start the week! Opening the mail at New Moon is often an adventure with all the great letters and artwork we receive from girls. Today, Sandra opened a normal looking envelope at our office in Duluth, MN, and found a different kind of great story inside.

It seems that Mary Jo of North Brunswick, NJ lost her wallet. Jennifer of Highland Park, NJ found the wallet and returned it. That's a heartwarming story in and of itself, reinforcing my faith in people from New Jersey (my husband Joe was born there!).

But it gets even better. When Mary Jo asked Jennifer how she could return the favor, Jennifer asked her to order a subscription to New Moon magazine for the Highland Park Library. Now Jennifer's act of kindness in returning the wallet is going to give the girls of Highland Park the chance to discover New Moon.

Jennifer & Mary Jo, our deep thanks to both of you for being such caring women and for extending your caring to girls you don't even know.

P.S. If you're inspired by the generosity of Mary Jo and Jennifer, you can donate a New Moon magazine subscription to your library or school by ordering online or calling 1-800-381-4743 M-F 8am-5pm, central time. The girls will thank you!

Kit & Eve - An Unusual Duo

I'm so happy to share that two people whose judgment I trust say there are a couple movies out now that are worth seeing because of the interesting, complex girl characters in them.

Melissa Silverstein of Women & Hollywood gives a strong thumbs up to Kit Kittredge: An American Girl starring Abigail Breslin. (I adored Abigail Breslin in Miss Sunshine.) Even though I haven't seen Kit yet, based on Melissa's review, other positive reviews, and a charming piece by A.O. Scott in the NY Times about seeing the film with his daughter, I look forward to it.

Have you or any girls you know seen it yet? I'd love to hear what you think.

And actor Kathy Najimy blogs about why she loves the character of Eve the robot in the new animated film, Wall-E:

Eve's a fantastic example of a strong non-compromising, female character
for girls. (One of the best I have ever seen and as the mother of an 11 year old
girl--I have seen them all and am frequently disappointed--I LOVED EVE!) The
thing that impressed and delighted me the most is that Eve is one of very
few female animated characters that isn't female identified by red
lipsticked lips or a big pink bow in her hair or long false eyelashes or
high heels to indicate she is female. She is, instead, a sleek white round
ipod looking character that could be any gender. I applaud Pixar for not
drawing or writing her in the usual gross, stereotypical manner. She is strong and in charge and saves the day.

In this case, I'll go see the movie, which I wouldn't have otherwise, just to see this character. Thanks for the tip, Kathy!

You're Amazing! A No-Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self

Julia guest blogging here...

I just got word from our friends at 5 Resolutions that Claire Mysko's book for girls is out this week!

Claire writes:
"You're Amazing! A No-Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self is based on the Girls Inc. "Supergirl Dilemma" study, which shows that girls are feeling increasing pressures to be perfect and please everyone. Perfectionism is a major source of girls' stress (60% of girls in the study reported that they often feel stressed), low-self-esteem, and poor body image. That's the bad news. The good news is that with the right tools and support systems, girls can learn to give up the quest to be "super" and start celebrating what makes them amazing. My hope is that this book will help to kick-off that celebration. I would like to say a big, big thanks to you, dear readers! Your support and kind words have meant so much to me. Speaking of amazing...you all fit the bill."

To kick things off, Claire is doing a book giveaway for girls on her blog! Girls who post a comment about what makes them amazing will be entered to win an autographed copy of the book. The contest runs through July 7th and girls can enter here.

Woohoo for positive change!

How to Counter Harmful Tween & Teen Magazines - Part Two

My daughters are 27 now (twins) and never acquired the habit of relying on fashion magazines for advice about life. That's not to say that they never read them! In their early teens, they read Seventeen and similar publications even though we had started New Moon magazine as an alternative to the typical girls' mags.

At first, I agonized about whether or not to let them read those magazines because I knew firsthand how damaging they were. I'd been a girl who looked to Seventeen, Ingenue, and later Glamour for instruction on how to be prettier, more popular, more confident, and all around different from who I really was.

Of course, every time I read one of those magazines I ended up feeling worse about myself instead of better. Each copy was filled with contradictory propaganda and advice. The quizzes pinpointed my personality shortcomings and the fashion spreads showed clothes I knew I'd never own. I saw myself in the "fashion crimes" photos and faithfully tried each new diet (and faithfully failed at each one). One year, most of the money I earned babysitting was spent on a secret stash of new makeup products recommended each month that were touted as so much better than what I had bought the previous month. (And I barely ever used them as I could only put them on in the bathroom at school since my parents wouldn't let me wear makeup.)

Even the advice columns made me feel inadequate since I didn't have the problems (mostly about boyfriends and I didn't have one) they gave advice about! As a mom, I obviously didn't want my daughters to be subjected to the undermining propoganda in typical girls' magazines. But the magazines are everywhere and I knew that trying to prohibit them (the way my parents had tried to ban makeup) would just lead to sneaky reading.

So when they asked for the magazines I bought them. But I didn't stop there. I also read them and talked with my daughters about them. That's what led to these strategies about how to help girls resist the harmful influence of popular tween & teen magazines.

• Ask her what she thinks is real and unreal in each issue. It can be a game to score how much fakery there is from month to month - is the magazine getting more fake or more real?
• Are the photos altered? (Show her this example of how photo manipulation makes an average looking woman into the fake perfection we see in magazines.)
• Count how many of the total pages are ads (often more than 50%). What are the ads selling?
• In its subject matter, does the magazine leave out things that she cares about and that are on her mind? What are those things?
• Ask her what effect she thinks an article or ad is trying to have on readers.
• Ask her how she feels (different from what she thinks) after looking at or reading an article or ad. Listen without judging or arguing about what she says.
• Tell her how you feel (give her your feelings - angry, sad, afraid, guilty - not your thoughts) after looking at or reading a different article or ad.
• Express your opinions (thoughts) about the articles and ads.
• Provide her with alternative magazines like New Moon and Teen Voices by subscribing and keeping them in the house all the time. Having them available is like having healthy food in the kitchen. Even if she might always want to eat pop tarts, it's not the only food we provide!

These resistance strategies helped me stay connected to and support my daughters as they learned for themselves that they didn't want the propoganda churned out by most teen girl mags. It was a happy day for me when I noticed that they had stopped asking me to buy the magazines. After a while, I asked them about it and Nia said, "Reading those magazines made me feel so depressed. I don't need that!"

Please let me know what bothers you most about the messages in teen & tween magazines by posting a comment.

How to Counter Harmful Tween & Teen Magazines - Part One

University of Minnesota research finds that teen girls "who frequently read magazine articles about dieting were more likely five years later [emphasis added] to practice extreme weight-loss measures ... than girls who never read such articles."

That's terrifying for parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, teachers and youth workers because we know most girls will read those magazines at some point. What to do? Here's Part One of how you can counter their harmful influence.

• If she's not a tween yet, decide ahead of time at what age you will allow her to read which magazines.
• Try to avoid censorship, which makes the magazines “forbidden fruit” she reads in secret—where you can’t discuss them with her.
• Read her magazines yourself (yes, this is excruciatingly painful to do, but it's crucial) so you can converse casually (not lecture her!) about them.
• Look critically at the magazines you read (both the articles and the ads). Do they objectify females or reduce them to body parts? How would you feel if it was your daughter in those photographs/stories?
• Do your magazines make you judge your body? Do they make you crave certain clothes, cars, products, etc? Look for the parallels in her magazines.
• Ask your daughter to identify her favorite article and ad in each issue. Listen for her underlying emotional need and think about other ways you can help her meet that need. Is she concerned about her body? Is she worried about fitting in or getting male attention?
• Provide positive attention for ALL of who she is and she’ll have less desire for “appearance-only” attention from others.

To be continued tomorrow with Part Two ....

Dear Myles Brand: Title IX is HOW old?

As a girl in the 1960's, I was a huge baseball fan, falling asleep on muggy summer nights listening to the Yankees on the radio. Mickey Mantle was the undisputed star but my favorite was the shortstop Tony Kubek. To this day, listening to a baseball game on the radio is guaranteed to relax and entertain me at the same time.

I loved playing catch with my dad, brother and cousins. Once I even manged to break my cousin Rich's nose with a hard throw! (I don't remember ever playing catch with another girl or a woman.) But I never thought of myself as an athlete and instead put my physical energy into modern dance, which I also loved.

When I was 18, Title IX - the federal law that illegalized gender discrimination in any educational institution that receives federal funds - was born. I didn't hear anything about it at the time.

Well-known now for its dramatic effect on equalizing athletic opportunities for girls and young women, Title IX stayed totally off my radar screen until a good 20 years later when my friend Emily, a rabid hockey player who took up the sport in her twenties, started fighting for the creation of girls' hockey teams in Minnesota high schools. She and an equally passionate group of women made it happen, against many odds. And Title IX was the key they used to open the door of ice arenas all over the state to girls. Emily's daughter Laurel went on to play Division I hockey at Boston University, a great testament to her mom's vision.

So by the time Title IX turned 36 years old earlier this week (June 23), I had become a huge fan of it. That was a quick 1/3 of a century! The results of Title IX's ban on gender discrimination in education are all around us in girls' high school & college teams, and in the WNBA. Less well-known but just as important is how Title IX pried open the door for admission of many more women to medical schools, law schools, engineering schools, architecture school and traditionally male-dominated careers like auto mechanic and computer programmer.

While there's been resistance to Title IX in many educational institutions, the NCAA has become a strong supporter of Title IX under the leadership of Myles Brand. When the Bush administration mounted a full court press in 2003-05 to weaken Title IX, the NCAA joined the Women's Sports Foundation and many others to successfully defend Title IX.

So imagine my surprise and dismay when I saw this NCAA psa while watching the underdog Fresno State team win the College World Series. The PSA shows 10 athletes playing basketball, dressed as professionals ranging from doctor to judge to police officer, making the point that most NCAA athletes "go pro" in something other than sports. (Of course, that's especially true for women since there are still very few sports that even the most talented women can "go pro" in!)

The thing that irked me is that only 3 of the 10 athletes on the court in the PSA are women. The message that sends to both girls and boys is painfully clear - even 36 years after Title IX became law, things still aren't fair to female athletes and professionals. I have to admit that's reality, but I hate to see the NCAA present a powerful vision of inequality that will stick with both girls and boys sub-consciously. It's the subconscious "realities" and biases that are the toughest to change.

Mr. Brand, it's unworthy of the NCAA to create and air anything giving a message of inequality. I'm very disappointed and hope for better next year. I know you can make that happen.

Note: Readers can help by emailing Myles Brand with your Title IX stories and your suggestions for future NCAA PSAs.